


the deep blue

by Cloudnine101



Series: Stormpilot Stories [11]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: First Kiss, Flowers, M/M, Medical, Out of Body Experiences, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudnine101/pseuds/Cloudnine101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn's wakes up to find himself face down on the bed, and Poe waiting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Finn's asleep - or he's not, but it feels like he should be. He doesn't know. He can breathe - that's for certain, so he isn't dead yet. But aside from that - 

He sits up. He feels light - lighter than he should be - so he stands, testing out his hands and his feet. _Substantial injury_ , a trooper's telling him, on board the hangar bay, after a fight - but it isn't that. It's a medical droid. Finn blinks, trying to collect his thoughts.

"Oh," Poe's saying. He's standing at the side of the bed, right up close to the bot. His helmet's still clutched in both hands.

"Stand aside," the bot whirs, and Poe does. Figures descend around him, shoving their way past, calling out for _goddamn anaesthetic_. Finn keeps watching Poe, who's staring at the bed. His eyes are open wide. His mouth keeps moving. He's praying, Finn realises, after a while.

It's Finn, in the bed. He's in the bed, and he isn't. He doesn't know what to make of that. Stepping closer, Finn stares at himself; he's been flipped onto his back. The wound's making his skin gape open at the seams, blistering. Reaching behind himself, Finn gently probes the skin between his shoulder-blades. He's whole, he thinks.

Poe closes his eyes. He's crying, although nobody else can see it. He stops quickly, but not quickly enough. Finn moves to his side. Poe doesn't move for a while. His eyes are red-rimmed, now.

"Poe," Finn says, but Poe can't hear him. He tries again. "C'mon. I'm gonna - I'll be alright. You just - "

Finn slams his fists into the empty air between them. It's as solid as a rock. Poe turns his head away, and sighs. He still isn't smiling. Finn staggers backwards, pulling his hands in towards his chest.

 

.

 

Finn's going to be dead. He knows that. He didn't know, however, that it would feel like this. More than anything, it's waiting - waiting for his infection to win out, or for the bleeding to start up again.

It's quiet. It's dark. Poe's waiting beside the bed. He's got his head back against the wall. His breaths aren't even - he's sleeping, but not soundly.

Finn's hand hovers above Poe's knee. The distance is heavy; Finn can't bypass it. Even if he could, would he want to? Would it be allowed?

Poe's hair has flopped across his forehead. In every other aspect, he looks as perfect as the day Finn met him. Finn hadn't thought much about it, then - and in the days afterwards, he'd figured that it was his own idealised image.

In the Order, you have to have a permit for the kind of thing Finn's feeling.

"Keep sleeping," Finn instructs. Poe doesn't seem to need it. He's smiling a little, now. Must be a good dream.

Giving up, Finn folds his hands together. They're still warm - not clammy, as he'd thought they might be.

 

.

 

Poe doesn't come back for over three days. Finn later learns that he was on an operation. During this time, Finn tests his extremes - namely, leaving the room, which he can't do.

It's not so much can't, exactly. Finn, technically, could. But every time he gets up to leave, his eyes will be drawn back to himself - stone-faced, silent - or a bot will come in with new painkillers (and Finn wants to get a good look at them, because who knows how different they'll be from the Order's?) - and Finn'll find himself back in the visitor's chair, urge to get up and go almost forgotten. And then the process will start again.

Poe breezes in, hair windswept, holding a bright bouquet of flowers. Finn's surprised. He isn't sure why they're there - a peace offering, perhaps? A kind of apology? Poe's got nothing to apologise for - and even if he did, he'd just say it out loud.

The flowers are delicate. Finn watches the petals stir in the breeze from the open window. They're orange and broad, surrounded by thick green leaves. Finn starts out thinking of them as The Flowers, and ends up with The Flowers Poe Brought, stuck on the thought.

"What a charming young pilot," one of the nurses says.

Another laughs, "There's something in it for him, at the end of this."

Finn's angry, for a while, until he figures out that they mean _him_.

 

.

 

Poe brings orchids. Finn knows that one - it was growing in the garden of the castle he visited with Rey. Was it a castle, or a base? Finn can't remember. Rey was there. She looked upset. Her face was glowing blue.

Obviously, Finn can't dream. Sometimes, though, his memories are so vivid that they frighten him. He thinks about the First Order. He thinks about Rey's laughter, and her brusk comments, and her smile, and the brush of her shoulder against his. He thinks about Han Solo's ship - white and grey and brown. He thinks about Rey's skin, dappled in sunlight.

A lot of the time, Finn thinks about Poe - Poe telling stories, Poe eating in the canteen (or what he imagines the canteen to be), Poe out in his fighter jet. Finn knows his mannerisms - the way he acts when he's upset (hiding his tears), the way he acts when he's happy (exuberant, boundless _joy_ ).

Poe leans forwards, elbows on his knees. He takes Finn's hand - the Finn on the bed. "Did I ever tell you about that time on Delta Five?"

"Yeah," Finn says, but he's happy to listen. Poe's voice rolls over him in waves.

 

.

 

Poe has had some pretty crazy adventures. He gets kicks off them, apparently - whatever that means. Finn doesn't get all of the terminology, but he can follow the plot-lines well enough. Finn's pretty sure that half of them have to have been invented on the spot, but he laps them up all the same - moonlight pools and laser fire and beautiful guys and girls.

The tales spin out much in the same way - Poe and co. head out on a regular operation. Something bad happens - someone betrays them, there's a technical glitch, etc. Poe ends up in danger - in a room full of enemy agents, hanging off the outside of a ship, face to face with an assassin. Poe beats the bad guy, hooks the prince/princess, and flies off into the sunset. Happily ever after.

They're very well put-together. Someday, Finn wants to be able to tell Poe how much he appreciates them. Other days, though, he wants to crawl beneath the covers and weep. There's no way to say how much time has passed. Rey hasn't come back. Han Solo's dead. There isn't going to be a way out for him, no matter what Poe might say - and if there is, it just ain't gonna be with Poe.

"I love you," Finn says, testing the words. Leaning forward, Poe runs a hand through Finn-on-the-bed's hair. He seems to be about to speak again. He doesn't. Instead, he stands and leaves. Finn stares after him; he gets about halfway to the door before he falters.

 

.

 

 _Love is a weakness_ , somebody's telling him. It isn't Poe. Stretching out his legs, Finn waits for the speaker to reveal themselves. It's only him, though. He's alone. Poe's been dragged off to his quarters for the night - or something like that. Everything seems muddled. 

A trooper who cannot run is without use. But he's not a trooper anymore, is he? He's a member of the Resistance. He's Finn - Poe's friend. He can still be happy. He has the capacity for it.

 Finn goes to the window. Poe had opened the blinds. The night is filled with the tiny pin-pricks of ships, taking off and landing in orange and red and yellow globes of light. Finn presses a hand to the glass. He can see his own face reflected.  

 

. 

 

He's back with the First Order - he's sure of it. They've found him, and they've brought him home. Shots are sounding. Maybe they've come here - maybe they've found him. Where's here?

The door bursts open. The bots are scurrying back and forth, trying to pick up equipment. Poe barrels into the room, boots slamming down hard on the tiles. Another pilot - Pava, Jessika - follows him, waving a gun, and yelling, "There isn't any time, Dameron!"

"There's enough time for this," Poe says, but it seems to be mostly to himself. Dropping to his knees, he takes Finn's hand again. This time, he presses his lipagainst it. Finn feels himself grow hot - he watches Poe's mouth moving silently. The room shakes. Pava spins on her heel, glowering into the night.

"I love you," Poe says. "And when you wake up, I'll say it again, even if you don't want to hear it."

Finn wants to squeeze his hand. He wants it more than he's ever wanted anything in his life before.

"No _time_ ," Pava says again. "Please, Poe, they're _coming_ , they're getting towards the base - "

"No time," Poe echoes, and his face is blank and empty. He looks like he's floating behind himself. Finn tries to shake away the double-vision. Poe glances across, and for a second - just a moment - he catches Finn's eye.

"Go," Finn says, and Poe turns around and does. Finn listens until he can't hear anything anymore over the rushing in his head. 


	2. Chapter 2

The day Finn opens his eyes is a cool one, with thick clouds - a bad day for flying. He wakes quietly and cold. A medical droid fetches the nearest member of personnel, who in turn notifies General Organa.

Finn doesn't remember much about it. There's wooziness, and his full head - the combination almost immediately sends him back to sleep. When he wakes, the General's there, sitting beside his bed with a holopad.

"Where's Poe?" Finn asks. "Where's Rey?"

The General holds his hand. "How are you feeling?" she says.

Finn goes to shrug, and winces. "Sleepy, mostly. I just wanna - "

He stops, because he doesn't know how he's supposed to fill the silence.

"You lost your sense of purpose," the General tells him. Her voice is gentle. "You're allowe some time to be calm, Finn. We will all still be here when you wake."

"Where's Poe?" Finn says. "I'm sorry, General, but he was there, and he - "

How is Finn supposed to say it? Watched me seems too small, and cared is too big. Is there a point in-between those?

Finn falls asleep gradually, with the General's hand on his arm. He dreams about Poe, of course - Poe laughing, Poe walking off, Poe looking back over his shoulder. Finn moves towards him, but his legs are heavy, and then he can't see him anymore - but it's alright, because Poe is just around the next corner.

 

.

 

When he wakes again, it's later in the day. The General is gone; this time, Pava's beside him. Her hair's pulled back against her scalp.

"Good to have you back, cowboy," she's saying, "you gave us all a scare. Hey, no, don't try to sit up yet. Drink this. That's better. Rest your head. That's it, that's - "

"Thanks," Finn chokes out, throat stinging. He hadn't known how thirsty he'd been. "My back's killing me."

Pava laughs. "That's what happens when you take a lightsaber through it. Your story's spread right across the base. You're quite the hero, Mr Finn."

Finn's glowing. He can't remember having been this happy before. There are tendrils of it tingling all the way through his arms and legs.

"You know, there's this story I heard," Pava's saying, "about a man who walked the breadth of the Galaxy. And every time people asked him why he did it, he said, I'm looking for the person who will make me stay. And then one day, the earth cracked in two in front of him, and he just flew right over it."

Finn smiles. It's a pretty story. Pava leaves before he can remember what he was going to ask her.

 

.

 

"How long have I been out?"

Snap sighs. "Three months, give or take. We were wondering if you'd ever wake up."

Finn likes Snap. He's honest, borderline brutal. It's familiar.

"Well, here I am," Finn says, "and I want to do some good. How soon can I get outta this bed?"

"Soon, partner," Snap says, squeezing his shoulder. Snap's breath has been sweetened by something. "Soon. Sit tight. I'll talk to the General, but you have to complete the therapy, okay?"

Finn doesn't tell him how Stormtroopers who went this way were taken into a little box. They had their helmets removed, their name cards sliced in two, and then they were jettisoned out of the airlock. It was the most efficient way, they were told. It caused the least pain. Finn doesn't know how true that is, anymore. He's sure Snap wouldn't want to hear about any of it. Snap's a fighter, and Finn isn't here to whine.

"I'd like to write a letter to Poe," Finn says, "if that's alright."

Snap stares at him. He's silent, suddenly - entirely silent, barely even breathing. "What?"

Finn frowns, shifting his weight. One of his legs is playing up again. "Well, he must be on a mission, seeing as he hasn't come to see me. I know he would've done."

"I'll fetch somebody," Snap says, starting to his feet. "If you need me, call."

"But I need you now to get me paper," Finn says, but Snap's already out of the door. Finn sighs. "Huh." He picks at the stitching on the blanket.

 

.

 

That night, Finn sleeps dreamlessly.

 

.

 

"I've gotta talk to Poe," Finn yells, as soon as Pava enters. She flinches. "Where is he? He's gotta be around somewhere. We're gonna - "

"Finn," Pava's saying, "I need you to calm the _kriff_ down."

Swallowing, Finn closes his eyes. "Sorry."

"Better." Pava moves to sit at the foot of the bed. She's looking anywhere but at him.

"Where is he?" Finn asks.

"I'm so sorry," Pava says. "He went on a mission, and they - one of his troop went out of our territory. Their ship was gunned down, and Poe went after the combatants, and he - didn't make it."

The pause - the slight pause.

"Didn't make it," Finn echoes. "That means he's dead."

Pava nods. "Yes." She's crying, Finn realises, and he turns his head away, ashamed. He isn't crying. He can't feel anything at all. He's sitting in a glass box.

 

.

 

Finn doesn't see anyone for a while.

"Come on, buddy," Finn says. "You've come back from worse than this. But you've gotta come home to me, okay? Please, please, come home. But I swear to God, if you do, I'm gonna - I'll make you wish you died on Jakku. That's how mad I'll be."

"He was a good man," Snap says, as though he's reading from a placard. Finn wants to shake him. That's not all he was - he was a hero, and now nobody will get to see it. He was arrogant, and foul-mouthed, and he jumped at the chance to do dangerous work, because he enjoyed it.

Snap leaves, and Pava comes in, and Pava leaves, and Finn looks at the walls and the floor and not at their faces, because how do they expect him to be dealing with this? When a Stormtrooper dies, there is no funeral. They leave the bodies behind.

"He'll be back," Finn tells Pava, "he will. Just wait. He's stronger than this. He will. He's done crazy stuff, right? He'll be out the other side by sundown."

Pava rocks forwards. Finn holds her. They hold each other. Her arms wind around him tightly. "He's an asshole," Pava says, "for leaving you behind."

Finn strokes a hand through her hair. "Yeah, he is, for leaving the both of us."

 

.

 

The physical therapy will take time, they inform him, voice stiff. Finn still hopes, though. He hopes that today will be the day he will walk. He hopes that today will be the day Poe walks through the door, flight helmet in his hand, grinning. What, did you think I was gone? What, did you _miss_ me?

Finn collapses over the bar, bent double and wheezing. His legs are pillars of cement, and he's stuck. He swears, and drags one forwards, so that he can collapse back onto the chair. Snap wheels him to the bed, and he's talking about something, and Finn nods along with it. He is getting stronger with every passing hour, he tells himself, smiling. 

 

.

 

Something's happening on the launch pad. Snap jerks awake beside his bed, the book he'd been devouring falling out of his lap and onto the floor. Snap loves to read, and not datapads, either. He likes the feel of pages in his hands, the way they snap and bend and smell. Finn had felt a bit foolish, sniffing books, but he'd done it, and he likes sharing something with Snap. 

"You are not," Pava's screaming outside, "just going to run in there. I swear to God, you go in there, and I will _blow out your brains_!" 

Snap looks at him. "The Order?" he mouths. 

Finn's hands have tightened on the bed. There is sweat pooling on the underside of his arms, trickling down his sides. He must stink of it. 

"You don't get to hurt him like that again," Pava's saying, equally loudly, "you do not get to hurt any of us like that - " 

There's silence. Snap's holding his blaster, eyes trained on the door, which is opening gradually, inch by inch - or, at least, that's what it feels like. Finn can't be certain. They could have been sitting there for hours, until Snap curses, and goes to his feet, and then he's hugging Poe - and it is Poe, in the room, covered in dirt and _glorious_. 

"Hey, Wexley," Poe says, putting both hands on his shoulders, "your beard's getting out of control." 

Snap looks an inch away from hitting him. Poe slaps his side, and looks over his shoulder. He looks at Finn, and Finn can't do anything but grit his teeth. 

"Sometimes, brother," Snap's saying, "I hate you more than anything else on this dingy planet." 

"Yeah, yeah," Poe's saying. He steps away. "Finn." 

"Poe." Finn nods, once. "I need - " 

"Yeah," Poe says again. He crosses the room and crouches. His hands are soiled with mud. He wipes them on his suit. There are streaks of it covering his face. "I thought I'd be coming back more handsome than this. That's what you get when you're promised a lift from marsh traders." 

It's the way Poe speaks. It's the way Poe acts. It's the subtle charm - the influence that bleeds into every word. Finn could listen to him talk for years. He could listen to him talk for the rest of the night. 

"Hey, come on, pal. Say something. Anything. Say you don't hate me." 

"I don't hate you," Finn says. "But I kinda do." 

Poe chuckles, shaking his head. "That's my Funn," he mutters. "But, uh, I think there's something we need to discuss, once I have a change of clothes. I want to do this properly." 

"Let's do it now." Finn puts his hand on the side of Poe's face. "Before I change my mind and burn your X-Wing." 

"Hasty," Poe's mumbling into his lips. Poe tastes of nothing much, but his touch is gentle - more of a caress, and Finn tugs him in until there's barely any space left between them, between the curves of Poe's chest and Finn's thighs. Poe is huddled in-between his legs, chin titled up. 

 

. 

 

"I still hate you," Finn says. "Don't forget that." 

Behind Poe's back, Pava pulls a face. Snap drags her to one side.

"You drew your names on my ship," Poe says, staring. "Damn it, you're all traitors. I can trust no one." 

 

. 

 

"Hate you," Finn tells the lines of Poe's ribs, as Poe takes his hand. 


End file.
